Friday Recap: German Implosions, American Explosions... and the English

After this morning's somewhat underwhelming matches, here are some thoughts on yesterday's matches:

GERMANY 0 v SERBIA 1

While this game was surely a disappointment for German fans, and perhaps less entertaining than thier 4-0 walloping of the Australian Socceroos, it was also beautiful to watch for the rare spectacle it offered: The German implosion. Not to take away from ther Serbs, who played an excellent game of martial football, but the German Footballers are like robots, and the real jewel on display was their terminal subroutine:

If: Status.Are.Ve.Dominating == Ja
   Then: Plan.of.Attack = Ve.Keep.Dominating
If: Status.Are.Ve.Dominating == Nein
   Then: Plan.of.Attack = FILE NOT FOUND!
FATAL SYSTEM CRASH!
PANICKING!!!!!!!!

In short, the Germans do not face adversity with fortitude.

USA 2 v SLOVENIA 2

As an occasionally-more-than-mild supporter of the USA, there is much I could say about this travesty of a game. The Slovenians played well, and certainly deserved the draw. The USA played poorly in the first half, and that team didn't even deserve a draw. However, in the 2nd half the USA came back to score three goals, the last of which was disallowed by outright-outrageous officiating from the Malian Referree. Landon Donovan's goal, the first of the three, was a beautiful strike from a narrow angle, straight at the head of Slovenia's Handanovic; Donovan struck the ball with such force that Handanovic flinched out of the way, clearing a path to the top shelf. Mike Bradley's goal, minutes later, was sure to please his father, USA Coach Bob Bradley, just two days before Father's day. But the real heart-stopper of this match was Maurice Edo's excellent one-time tap-in off a cross in the last 10 minutes, which was disallowed by the highest pile of bullshit since King Torre de Merd of Sheitland decided to erect a mile high monument of turds in his own honor. The Referee called Edu offside, but upon examination of the replay, it is clear that the only USA player who could be even remotely considered to be offside is Mike Bradley. Now, there are two things to note about Mike Bradley in that play: First, he was not involved in the Goal at all, and second, he was being heavily groped by his marker, and was basically hugged to the ground in a clear penalty. That the official managed to notice neither of these facts, while apparently watching closely enough to make an offside call, is beyond baffling. If one is going to disallow a goal by recognizing a player who wasn't involved in the play, then it really is pigheaded to also ignore the foul being committed on that player, and fail to award the requisite penalty kick.

The performance of the Malian referee in question is under review by FIFA. FIFA took pains to explain that each referee's performance is reviewed after a match... But I'll be incredibly surprised if this man is allowed to referee another World Cup match after disallowing such a beautiful World Cup goal.

ENGLAND 0 V ALGERIA 0

According to one my good friends and Goal Post colleagues, who happens to be an Englishman, this game can be summed up in one word: "Shit." England's Daily Telegraph chose a couple more words in their front page headline over an angry-looking Fabio Capello:
"Hopeless, Clueless, Spineless..."
And you can't argue with those, either. If there's one thing England was yesterday, it was "-less". There's really not much else to be said. If you can't score against Algeria, a team who is definitely a bigger joke than North Korea in this tournament, then, well... In kindness and deference to England, and the English, I'll let the airwaves go silent.